Lucky Seven Family

Tag Archives: Step-siblings

Tuesday Tip #24: “Harmless” Teasing

Earlier this year I chaperoned one night of my son’s 7th grade class week-long field trip.  It was a trip filled with all types of learning experiences:  dissections and field observations were a few of the activities.  On the evening I attended, the kids participated in a simulation experiment that involved the Underground Railroad.  Parents and students participated together – we started with the  students being treated as if they were slaves working in a cotton field.  The counselors were trained to be the slave owners.  The “slaves” were yelled at, ugly words were thrown at them, and they could not make eye contact with their “owners”.  They were then rescued by an “abolitionist” and taken through the forest on a trek through Virginia, Maryland, Massachusetts, Vermont and ultimately into the safety of Canada.  Throughout the trip we were yelled at by “farmers” and had to pay to be on their land and we were hidden in a “safe house” from a sheriff.  This experience culminated in a sit down of all the kids with the counselors to discuss the experience.  They talked about differences in people (skin color, hair color, eye color, clothing choices, activities they enjoy) and how and why the slave owners decided they were superior to the slaves.

The counselors used this experience to tie the lesson to bullying, discussing the reasons people bully and the harm it can cause.  One of the points raised was that putting other people down is usually a way to try to make yourself feel bigger or better.  The other important point I took away from the evening was even “harmless” teasing or “joking” can really hurt.

When our blended family is together we try not to tolerate even the “joking” and “harmless” teasing.  I’ve see this behavior from all of the kids at some point and, even as parents, we are not perfect .  When I hear it coming from one of the kids (or several!) I try to explain to all of them the age-old adage:  “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all!”.  As they’ve gotten older, I do take severe criticisms seriously and usually take the offending child separately for a conversation about their words.  Teaching children that words do hurt and can have deleterious effects on self-esteem is important.  Respect for others, even brothers and sisters, is truly necessary.  The other lesson I focus on is the offending child’s self-esteem.  What is going on that they feel the need to put someone else down?  Perhaps this is the most crucial discussion point.

Listen to your family, watch their behavior, take the opportunity to teach them…

HELPING EVERYONE TO BE HEARD

Family BreakfastWith five kids, different personalities certainly affect the conversations we have when we are all together.  We have the older two (one girl, one boy) that are very strong characters – they make themselves heard.  We have the younger ones (one boy and two girls) that are strong in their own ways but certainly have their big sister and brother to try to be louder than when a conversation is on-going.  It is interesting to observe the behaviors and how one child will interrupt and the response it gets from another child.   Sometimes they just all keep talking, none hearing the other! Sometimes, one bows to the interrupter, other times they stand strong and call each other out for the interruption!  As parents and step-parents, it is important for us to help make sure each child feels that their voice is heard; at the same time, we also have to let the children form their own social rules just as would happen at school or some other group event.  Finding a balance of stepping in occasionally but not always policing the conversation is critical to the children growing together as siblings and step-siblings.

Our family dinners have played a critical role in the successful blending of our family.  We started a tradition early on of “Where do you see  yourself in XX years?  Sometimes it is 5 years, other times 10 years, etc.  Each child (and parent!) takes their turn at saying where they will, what they will be doing, etc.   This allows each child the opportunity to speak without interruption.  It is also great fun to hear where they aspire to be – college plans, career plans, silly plans!  We have been doing this for more than 5 years – hearing how these aspirations change over time is also fun for us as parents.  You see your children maturing in their thoughts and maturing in their ability to communicate and respect others.

Try “Where do you see yourself…” with your blended family today!